You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
