Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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