i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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