every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of