I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
