haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
