There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
