this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
