My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant