Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
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I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
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I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.