Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.