This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
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The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The uberlube is also flammable
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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