Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So vagazzling was a success
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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