i think my mom watched the whole time
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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