Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds