I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
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Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?