I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
