I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
