Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.