: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years