I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.