so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
tell me about the eggs
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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