we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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