Will you blow on my dice?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
