I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
