I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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