Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
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Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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