she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
