You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
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You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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