I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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