Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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