Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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