all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
