He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
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Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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