Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
