someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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