you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
