No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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