just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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