I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
