Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I touched a dick in church today