how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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