glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
