My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.