you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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