we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"