she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.