The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck