i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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