i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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