Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
