I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
