I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS