I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize