I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
