I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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