Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
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Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.